Where HE Leads


    If there is one thing that drives me absolutely stir crazy... it is not knowing what is going on or what "the plan" is. I have one of those weird minds that is constantly calculating and recalculating, plans, agendas, escape routes. Whenever I walk into a store or restaurant I immediately look for a fire exit, back door, and consider if the restroom is suitable for survival if a tornado hits. I can't help it, I think all the worry comes from those  years of living in an abusive marriage, I know what it feels like when you are in a situation and think to yourself  "well, this is it, I am about to die, and there is nothing I can do about it"...It makes you hyper aware of danger- even danger that everyone else dismisses as non-dangerous.  This is one of those areas of my life that I have surrendered to God, only to take back time and time again because: if I don't have control over it, then how do I know that it is getting done? ( So I guess we can add 'control freak' to 'unreasonably paranoid' on my list of personalities flaws.) Of course,  I KNOW that God is far more capable of taking care of me and my family than I am. Why can't I live like it, though?

Fear is one of those incapacitating emotions that can completely take over your life, I know because my life has often been ruled by it. I believe that satan knows this weakness, and so he launches a full scale attack at the kink in my armor whenever he can- which is often. In the less than two years since I gave my life to Christ I have fought this battle, and lost, more times than I can count. It doesn't help matters any that I have been going through a time in my spiritual life where I feel really alone, like no matter how much I pray or read my Bible, or go to church, or praise God... I just can't find him ( More on this on page "Which way did HE go")

I do not often study, or do any research when writing these pages, I did this morning, only because I was seriously doubting my ability to wrap this one up considering I had zero clue how to make it any better so,  I google'd "scriptures about fear" I was not surprised by the entries I found.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)
For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
 (Deuteronomy 31:6)

For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)

Then, my eyes fell upon this one. Mark 4:39 He said to disciples, "Why are you so afraid; do you still have no faith?"
I don't have a fear problem, I have a faith problem....... Let that one sink in for a minute, I don't know what I am going to do about it, but at least I know what I am fighting.

I am hesitant to publish this page, because the last think I want to be is discouraging, but it has been my plan from the beginning to be completely honest in the hopes that people would be able to relate and know that they weren't alone.

I can tell you that I am going to seek the counsel of Godly people that I trust, and I will follow-up on this as soon as possible.


It has been a few months since I wrote "I have a FEAR problem"  and I have conquered one of my fears, much to my own  (and every who knows me) surprise.  I rode the Tennessee Tornado with my 2 oldest children, and several other "death trap" rides as I used to call them. Ok, so I had my eyes closed the entire time, or as I like to say, I beat that tornado with  my eyes closed... but I did it, and I lived. That has to be some sort of progress. Facing my fear wasn't easy, in fact I felt sort of sick, But I knew where to find my strength, and as He always does, God gave me the courage when I needed it most.